disclaimer: I see a therapist. (insert pause for jaw dropping, roll of the eyes, sigh of relief, irritation that I didn’t tell you).
well, I’m not about to hang all my problems out on paper for social media to see but it’s true. I see a therapist.
the ones who dropped their jaw may be surprised because “I was sure Nicole had her shit together.” well guess what? I have a lot of my shit together, and one of those ducks in a row is seeing a therapist. because nobody has it all together.
the ones who rolled their eyes could probably use a therapist of their own. I said it. give me a call, I have plenty of references. but don’t worry, I have rolled my eyes before too. at the thought of having a therapist, at my therapist. she just rolls them back. it’s just easier to roll your eyes at the thought because being vulnerable is hard. saying outloud that you have a therapist is hard. trusting your therapist with one of your deepest secrets is hard. trust me, most days I would rather just roll my eyes. and a lot of days I do.
the ones who signed a big breath of relief, it’s because you have a therapist too. and I was the moron who threw it on paper for the world to see. you have a therapist who could be saving your life right now, helping you learn who you are, learning with you ways to hold on to moments of joy. for some of you, you are counting down the days until Thursday morning at 10 because your therapists office is the only place you can be 100% you.
those of you irritated because I haven’t told you. well let’s jump back to, I don’t have all my shit together. being vulnerable scares the hell out of me. and sometimes my therapists office is the only place I feel like I can share “secrets.”
a therapist isn’t some scary person, like the oz hiding behind the big green curtain yelling the things you’ve done wrong that week. (have I dated myself?). a therapist is the relationship that you make it. it’s a friend. it’s someone you trust. someone you cry with, laugh with, challenge yourself with.
my friend, my therapist moved yesterday. at first I was angry. “you don’t get to leave. I’m the broken one. I call these shots.” then it turned into sadness, grief, and a lot of understanding. my therapist is a human just like you and I, with needs, changes during life, and emotion. I felt ridiculous for feeling so many feelings. “it’s just a therapist.” the ugly oz voice said in my head. but just a therapist is a friend, someone you trust, someone who may know more about it you than most people. and someone who has made a huge, unforgettable impact on my life.
I cried big ugly tears last night. first angry ones, then sad, understanding ones.
don’t worry I have another therapist already, and she’s super great.
disclaimer: I have a therapist and being vulnerable is really hard.